What I Wish I'd Known ... in the Beginning

In the beginning, in the first few weeks after Moonbeam was born, I wish I would have known ...

That Moonbeam would look at me with stars in her eyes more and more as each day passed.  That I was her Mama, through and through and there was nothing that could stand between us that would ever change that.

That Moonbeam would look at Aurora with stars in her eyes, understanding that there was an indescribable love and connection between the two of them.  That this love and connection would never jeopardize my position as Moonbeam's mama.

That there was nothing I could ever do to make Aurora's pain go away.  That my texts, pictures, conversations and emails would never make her pain go away.  That opening our home helped, but these visits would never take away her grief. 

That placing her daughter was Aurora's choice.  That I did not cause her or coerce her to make this choice.  That this choice had nothing to do with me ...  that it was a choice Aurora made for Moonbeam and for herself.

That I cannot make Aurora heal or get help.  I cannot make her tell her family about the adoption.  That this part is up to her.

That the tough things we went through together were going to make for easier times ahead.  That they would result in a greater understanding and respect for each other.  That ups and downs are just part of it and that we were always going to hold each other close, no matter how often we saw or heard from each other.

That there are three adults in our open adoption and they all have a responsibility to keep the lines of communication open.  That all visits, contact and pictures do not have to be initiated by me.  That I have a responsibility to keep things open for our daughter and her birth mom, but that I am not the only one who has to uphold this responsibility.  That there needs to be balance between all three adults in our triad to make sure this is going to work for our daughter. 

That I matter.  That when I'm hurt and upset, it's ok.  That this will be hard on me, but I will come out of it stronger, healthier and happier in the end.

And most importantly ...

That being a mom would be much more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.  That I would be forever thankful to Aurora and to Moonbeam for making this journey possible.

Listening to:  One Woman Army - Kate Earl