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Our social worker asked if we would be ok if Aurora joined us. We were totally fine with it, thinking it would be a good opportunity for others to see a real life open adoption triad in action.
We were hesitant to bring Moonbeam - we are a bit uneasy with having her life on display in front of a bunch of strangers. But the social worker insisted that we bring her, saying that it would really only hit home if the prospective parents could see the type of relationship that she has with each of the adults in the triad.
Aurora came to our house early before we were scheduled to attend. I know that she has not really told her story to anyone, so to make sure she was going to be ok, I prompted her and had her practice her side of the story. No one prompted me for my side of the story, which seemed fine, especially considering I'm pretty extroverted and I don't think anyone (including myself) even questioned if I'd be ok.
When we got to the seminar, we were all pretty nervous. I was asked to start by telling how we had found ourselves in the seminar two years ago and with a surprisingly shaky voice, I started talking. I got three sentences in and realized I was too emotional about infertility and the memories of sitting in the same room two years earlier to keep going, so I asked Apollo to take over.
I had no idea I was so shaken up by infertility and our journey to parenthood. I normally put on such a strong front that I don't think anyone, including myself, realized that it's still a really sore spot for me.
The experience was good, I think. Aurora was super emotional at some points, and all I wanted to do was grab a hold of her, hug her and make her pain go away. She talked about picking a family before us - when the agency called them to tell them they'd been selected, they told the agency they were pregnant and not ready to raise two babies at the same time. It was the first time that I realized how scared she was when she had her failed match. I saw the impact of what she faced when she only had 3 weeks before her baby was due and how helpless and hopeless she felt when she didn't have a family to place her daughter with.
Nothing came as a surprise to any of us I don't think. We'd heard all the parts of her story before, and she had heard all the parts of our story too. I was thankful for that - made me realize that we've got a pretty good thing going and that we've been open and honest with each other (no matter how hard it was when it was happening) and that this has really rooted our relationship.
Something I've struggled with from the get-go is guilt and feeling responsible in the event that we in any way coerced Aurora. Like being in the delivery room when Moonbeam was born. Like staying with her in the hospital through the first day and night and not giving Aurora enough space to make her own decisions. Before we went to the seminar, I had the opportunity to bring this up with Aurora and she helped put my mind at ease in so many ways - something I've craved/needed/wanted since the beginning I guess, but really could only accept as truth 18 months in.
I asked her directly if having me/us in the delivery room coerced her. I told her I've read so much about how this is something adoptive parents shouldn't do, that this should be a time for birth mom and baby alone. That having us there imposes our presence on her decision and doesn't let her think clearly.
She gave me the answer I needed. She was shocked that this was something that was even debated - she told me she wanted us there and had planned on having at least me there (even though this was never fully communicated to me). She admitted that b/c she had no one to help her through the harrowing experience of birth (and from what I can tell, it's effing scary) that she was glad we were there.
Finally. Some validation from the only person that matters that I didn't do the wrong thing. That she never made the decision because of me. That she was always going to place Moonbeam, that she had not ever chosen to parent her. That her decision was hers, not in any way a result of me.
I don't know why I needed to hear this, but I did.
I guess I'm glad we did the seminar. I'm not sure I'll ever do one again - it was really emotionally draining and I'm not so sure it will be good for Moonbeam as she gets older to be the centre of such an emotionally-raw situation with her at the centre of it. She knows her story, will always know her story. She's seen me cry and now she's seen Aurora cry. I want her to know that this wasn't an easy decision for Aurora - I think it's important that she know that. But I don't know how important it is for us to tell the story and display her as part of a panel.
I also don't know how much more public exposure of my story I can take. There was certainly nothing anonymous about the situation, nor was anything really kept that private. All the cards were laid out for everyone to see, tears and all. At some points some of the prospective parents were crying too, often at points that weren't trigger-points for any of us on the panel... I wondered what I was saying that was causing hurt and pain.
I thought I'd spend the night with a bottle of wine. Instead I spent the night in silence on the couch processing my own thoughts and working through my emotions. I thought I was ok, and for the most part I am. But there's still a lot of sadness - for me, for Apollo, for Moonbeam and for Aurora. I wonder if this ever truly goes away.
