Monday, 28 May 2018
The bio kid
The other day Moonbeam, Sunshine Girl and I were at a kids’ art class. It was super cool... clay to construct and deconstruct, flowers hanging from the ceiling to paint, wire structures to bead... lots of interesting, creative stuff to keep us engaged. But despite the activities, I couldn’t stop staring at the back of this one kid’s shirt. It said “bio kid.” I couldn’t understand why a mom would put that on her kid... like why did she need that label? Why did the world need to know this particular kid was her biological child? I kept looking at my own kids and wondering how obvious it was to the outside world that they weren’t my bio kids. Then I realized that the shirt this kid wore was from a science camp and not a label of her DNA link to her family. I checked myself, realizing how much infertility has impacted me... and how loaded the words “bio kid” have become to me.
Sunday, 27 May 2018
Camping trip #1
Camping with my two girlies was a success. Parts of the trip were less than ideal... my 150 lb dog sat in the front seat with Apollo for the two hour drive north whereas I was relegated to the back seat between one kid demanding a charger for her iPad (I don’t know if anyone else has a child who is as anxious about the battery dying as mine is, but wow, this is a serious concern of Moonbeam’s) and a baby who was hot and stuck in her car seat. Then when we arrived at the site we were swarmed with mosquitoes which caused me to have a mild panic attack for the baby’s sake followed by Moonbeam’s angst regarding her ever-growing number of mosquito bite swellings coupled with cries that the Afterbite was too soggy. I don’t even know what soggy Afterbite means and it’s hard not to be exasperated or not laugh when she says stuff like this. Then two hours after we arrived and set up (and bought firewood) a fire ban was issued so we couldn’t even smoke the skeeters out... Apollo did set up some fans to create wind and prevent them from pestering us... then it rained all the first night (but the fire ban was never lifted, ugh).
BUT. We set up the camper with a pack and play next to Moonbeam’s bed and the two girlies had their version of a sister slumber party, which was so sweet. On the baby monitor I heard Moonbeam whispering to Sunshine Girl as they were falling asleep which was adorable. We had lots of room for Sunshine Girl to play and we made lots of time for Moonbeam to ride her bike and play at the beach and roast marshmallows. We’re home now, all stinky and tired and bloated from junk food, but our hearts are very happy. It was so nice to spend the weekend in such close quarters, all working together towards the same goals... having fun, relaxing and killing mosquitoes.
BUT. We set up the camper with a pack and play next to Moonbeam’s bed and the two girlies had their version of a sister slumber party, which was so sweet. On the baby monitor I heard Moonbeam whispering to Sunshine Girl as they were falling asleep which was adorable. We had lots of room for Sunshine Girl to play and we made lots of time for Moonbeam to ride her bike and play at the beach and roast marshmallows. We’re home now, all stinky and tired and bloated from junk food, but our hearts are very happy. It was so nice to spend the weekend in such close quarters, all working together towards the same goals... having fun, relaxing and killing mosquitoes.
Monday, 21 May 2018
Maiden voyage
We hauled our camper home this weekend in an effort to prepare for our maiden voyage next weekend. Moonbeam is seriously so excited. As she so sweetly declared last summer, “camping is my favourite kind of life!”
We bought our camper three summers ago after almost a year of being on the adoption wait list. We bought this particular camper because it was super affordable but also because it was exactly what we wanted for our image of a family with two kids and a big dog. We passed through that first summer without the second kid. The next summer we were on hold from the list but we were engaged in drawn out discussions about when we were going back on the list. Last summer we had to put our big dog down due to cancer and found ourselves with a new (huge) puppy, but still no second kid...
We are heading into this summer as though in daydream. We are packing up our camper for our maiden voyage not only of the summer, but as a family with two kids and a big dog. Pinch me... hard to believe that this beautiful life is mine after all this time.
We bought our camper three summers ago after almost a year of being on the adoption wait list. We bought this particular camper because it was super affordable but also because it was exactly what we wanted for our image of a family with two kids and a big dog. We passed through that first summer without the second kid. The next summer we were on hold from the list but we were engaged in drawn out discussions about when we were going back on the list. Last summer we had to put our big dog down due to cancer and found ourselves with a new (huge) puppy, but still no second kid...
We are heading into this summer as though in daydream. We are packing up our camper for our maiden voyage not only of the summer, but as a family with two kids and a big dog. Pinch me... hard to believe that this beautiful life is mine after all this time.
Saturday, 19 May 2018
I am here
For three years we waited. As each year passed, I guess I could say we grew stronger... but I don’t see that yet. Although we filled our time with happy memories and loving Moonbeam, the wait was hard. I felt super anxious, more so as time pressed on. Apollo weathered the wait with grace and couldn’t understand why I had such a hard time being happy for what we already had, all the blessings life had already bestowed. And I WAS happy and I DID feel blessed... but I felt something big was missing. And with the passing of time, I became less and less certain that I was meant to be a mother of two.
Year 1 was hard on us as a family. When we initially submitted our paperwork for adoption #1, we were all starry eyed with rainbows in our eyes. We were open to pretty much everything that came our way... we knew that we could handle a lot as a couple and we felt that by opening our hearts to anything, the right baby would find its way to our family. We were matched very, very quickly with Aurora, a lovely, healthy, happy expectant mom who we quickly grew to love. A week later, our daughter, a healthy newborn baby girl was born and placed with our family. She was, and still is, perfect. So, for adoption #2, we were certain that by opening up our hearts to anything that would come our way, we would be placed again with a similar situation... that fate would deliver another happy, healthy newborn baby to reward us for being so open.
That’s not how it worked at all. Week after week, month after month, we would randomly receive phone calls from the agency about cases that fit our checkboxes. We spent many many hours deliberating all of these cases, but in every scenario, either we weren’t selected by the birth parents or we declined the opportunity to parent the babies. It was crushing. It was hard on our marriage. It was hard on my heart. Knowing we had the means to parent some of these cases but refusing them was the hardest thing ever. But we moved through that year and made it through.
Meanwhile, my job was causing me a lot of stress and was becoming more and more demanding.... much more so than the two year old I was parenting at home if you can believe that! In the fall, after a year of waiting on the list, I quit my position and moved to a smaller company where I thought I’d have more balance. After finding a new job, I talked to Apollo who was becoming less tolerant of the wait and the uncertainty it was throwing into our lives, and we decided to put our wait on hold for a year. That year provided us with reprieve from calls and decision making, but it was becoming increasingly clear that I didn’t like my new job and that I really wanted another baby. We talked a lot about next steps and Apollo was happy keeping our family make up as it was and I was not. Many hours and tears were spent deciding on what to do next. I quit my job again and found a much less stressful line of work out of public accounting where I could contribute, help people and make a difference for 7 hours a day rather than the 10-12 I had previously been working. Life slowed down but my desire for another baby did not.
Year 3 rolled around and I started dealing with a lot of my own shit, both infertility related and family related. Lots happened with many of my relationships and it was hard. I started seeing a therapist. We went back on the list, this time with a much more strict set of criteria and the request for no consultation calls. We got very few bites on our profile and with adoption numbers so low, it really felt like a second baby wasn’t going to happen. After five years, we took our first international vacation with Moonbeam and spent most of our evenings talking about coming to a resolution that our family was what it was, and being happy with that. We got to a good space individually and as a couple and resolved to be happy together, just the three of us.
Less than two days after arriving home from our vacation, we got a phone call from the agency. A baby girl had been born two days earlier, on Christmas Eve... just as we’d been pulling into town from vacation. Birth mom had picked us on Christmas Day without us knowing and we found out the next morning. Baby girl was perfect. She was who we’d been waiting for. We were in complete shock... after three years of waiting we’d convinced ourselves that we were meant to be a family of three, yet here she was... funny how things work.
Four hours later, we held our guardianship papers in one hand and our Sunshine Girl in the other. It was incredible. Our hearts had been prepared to accept what was coming our way, although our brains were convinced that this meant a future with just Moonbeam. Sunshine Girl’s arrival and presence take me aback at how meant to be everything has turned out to be. She is exactly what our family needed.
Five months later, I still feel grateful every morning when we wake up together as a family. I have Moonbeam, my big girl of five years who brings so much spirit, heart and beauty to my life. And Sunshine Girl grounds me... her calmness and joy keep me tied to the moment.
It’s amazing how this has all unfolded. The past three years have been painful. I kept busy and tried to be the best mom I could be with Moonbeam and Apollo assures me that I did a good job of that. But I was sad. I was uncertain. Now, with every ounce of myself I can say I feel happy, I feel clear, I feel complete. After 15 years of not knowing how my story to motherhood would begin, I am here.
Year 1 was hard on us as a family. When we initially submitted our paperwork for adoption #1, we were all starry eyed with rainbows in our eyes. We were open to pretty much everything that came our way... we knew that we could handle a lot as a couple and we felt that by opening our hearts to anything, the right baby would find its way to our family. We were matched very, very quickly with Aurora, a lovely, healthy, happy expectant mom who we quickly grew to love. A week later, our daughter, a healthy newborn baby girl was born and placed with our family. She was, and still is, perfect. So, for adoption #2, we were certain that by opening up our hearts to anything that would come our way, we would be placed again with a similar situation... that fate would deliver another happy, healthy newborn baby to reward us for being so open.
That’s not how it worked at all. Week after week, month after month, we would randomly receive phone calls from the agency about cases that fit our checkboxes. We spent many many hours deliberating all of these cases, but in every scenario, either we weren’t selected by the birth parents or we declined the opportunity to parent the babies. It was crushing. It was hard on our marriage. It was hard on my heart. Knowing we had the means to parent some of these cases but refusing them was the hardest thing ever. But we moved through that year and made it through.
Meanwhile, my job was causing me a lot of stress and was becoming more and more demanding.... much more so than the two year old I was parenting at home if you can believe that! In the fall, after a year of waiting on the list, I quit my position and moved to a smaller company where I thought I’d have more balance. After finding a new job, I talked to Apollo who was becoming less tolerant of the wait and the uncertainty it was throwing into our lives, and we decided to put our wait on hold for a year. That year provided us with reprieve from calls and decision making, but it was becoming increasingly clear that I didn’t like my new job and that I really wanted another baby. We talked a lot about next steps and Apollo was happy keeping our family make up as it was and I was not. Many hours and tears were spent deciding on what to do next. I quit my job again and found a much less stressful line of work out of public accounting where I could contribute, help people and make a difference for 7 hours a day rather than the 10-12 I had previously been working. Life slowed down but my desire for another baby did not.
Year 3 rolled around and I started dealing with a lot of my own shit, both infertility related and family related. Lots happened with many of my relationships and it was hard. I started seeing a therapist. We went back on the list, this time with a much more strict set of criteria and the request for no consultation calls. We got very few bites on our profile and with adoption numbers so low, it really felt like a second baby wasn’t going to happen. After five years, we took our first international vacation with Moonbeam and spent most of our evenings talking about coming to a resolution that our family was what it was, and being happy with that. We got to a good space individually and as a couple and resolved to be happy together, just the three of us.
Less than two days after arriving home from our vacation, we got a phone call from the agency. A baby girl had been born two days earlier, on Christmas Eve... just as we’d been pulling into town from vacation. Birth mom had picked us on Christmas Day without us knowing and we found out the next morning. Baby girl was perfect. She was who we’d been waiting for. We were in complete shock... after three years of waiting we’d convinced ourselves that we were meant to be a family of three, yet here she was... funny how things work.
Four hours later, we held our guardianship papers in one hand and our Sunshine Girl in the other. It was incredible. Our hearts had been prepared to accept what was coming our way, although our brains were convinced that this meant a future with just Moonbeam. Sunshine Girl’s arrival and presence take me aback at how meant to be everything has turned out to be. She is exactly what our family needed.
Five months later, I still feel grateful every morning when we wake up together as a family. I have Moonbeam, my big girl of five years who brings so much spirit, heart and beauty to my life. And Sunshine Girl grounds me... her calmness and joy keep me tied to the moment.
It’s amazing how this has all unfolded. The past three years have been painful. I kept busy and tried to be the best mom I could be with Moonbeam and Apollo assures me that I did a good job of that. But I was sad. I was uncertain. Now, with every ounce of myself I can say I feel happy, I feel clear, I feel complete. After 15 years of not knowing how my story to motherhood would begin, I am here.
Friday, 18 May 2018
Full
I’m back. I’ve missed writing oh so much ... but things were too hard to write out. For three years and 3 months we waited... never knowing what the next steps were, finding it hard to move forward, feeling like everything was standing still, not knowing if we were on the right path. Then, out of the blue, when we least expected it, our little Sunshine Girl arrived. The timing was perfect, we were ready, our hearts were waiting. Now, we’re full. Oh so full.
I feel older, wiser, more patient, less tolerant of crap. I feel that this whole crazy journey has lead me to my two sweet girls... my little Moonbeam and my Sunshine Girl. Everything is different, yet everything is the same. I feel that arriving at this place took a lot of pushing and pausing and stretching and slowing. But we are here, a family of four... me, my dear sweet man and my two amazing little beauties.
Our story continues....
I feel older, wiser, more patient, less tolerant of crap. I feel that this whole crazy journey has lead me to my two sweet girls... my little Moonbeam and my Sunshine Girl. Everything is different, yet everything is the same. I feel that arriving at this place took a lot of pushing and pausing and stretching and slowing. But we are here, a family of four... me, my dear sweet man and my two amazing little beauties.
Our story continues....
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