Two years in

Moonbeam turns two in a little over a month.  Unbelievable right?  Well for me it is ...  Time has passed so quickly in some ways.  But two years is a long time too... I feel like I've learned so much and have come so far with everything.

I remember feeling so much angst in that first year of being an adoptive mom.  I felt like I didn't fit in all the time, I felt like a bit of a fraud.  I felt unprepared for motherhood, having spent years and years trying to figure out how to get a baby and thinking one would never come.  Then within a matter of a week of this mindset, I had one.

Then I faced guilt.  Lots and lots of guilt around how to handle Aurora's loss.  I struggled with my own happiness in the face of her sadness.  I watched it first hand and tried desperately to fix it for her, to do anything I could to lessen the burden of her loss.  This took its toll on me and held me back from my own healing.

Then I consciously created a barrier between her grief and my own guilt.  This was so hard.  Apollo questioned me and Aurora lashed out.  But I stuck to my guns and created distance, so we could heal as a family unit ...  Apollo, Moonbeam and I ...  And Apollo, Moonbeam, Aurora and I.  Two different units, yet one and the same if that makes any sense.

Two years later, I am putting more of the pieces of Aurora's story together and can clearly see that she  never wanted to parent.  This brings me so much peace, as I feel more confident in my position and know more of how I can tell Moonbeam her story.  I have more answers and this feels so much better than fumbling for answers.  I think the answers were always there, it's just that emotions clouded where to find them.

I also feel like two years in, our relationship with Aurora is easier, more comfortable, less intense.  I think this is to be expected...  We had a crazy year of personal upheaval combined with getting to know each other.  That first year is bound to be emotionally challenging I think.  I think the intensity of that first year is over...  Which I'm thankful for.  Our relationship is normalizing - roles are defined, trust is built/building, we know each other way more than those early days.  We understand each others' needs for space and closeness at the same time.  I think the hard parts were necessary to get to where we are now.  We are family, the four of us.  That feels good and easy to say, whereas I think a year ago that would have been a really emotionally charged thing to say.

Sometimes I look at Moonbeam's face and am startled at how clear and sweet and loving and trusting this little girl is.  How much of mine she is, how much a part of me she is and how much a part I am of her.  I know there will be bumps in the road as we navigate the emotions associated with how we came to be a family, but oh man are we ever a family.  And this is so good - all of it is so good.  I look back on the ups and downs we've had so far to get to this point and know it always all part of the process.  I wouldn't change a thing.

In the moment

Today we took down our Xmas decorations and packed them away.  This made me sad - another indication of how quickly time is passing with my little girl... especially in comparison to those ten long years I waited to become a mom.  I felt so nostalgic as we put everything away, complete with a lump in my throat and tightness in my chest.  

When I pulled out the box to place the Xmas tree balls back into, Moonbeam shrieked with delight when she realized we were filling the box with these tree jewels.  She had a goofy, toothy grin for the duration of the activity and laughed giddily from time to time.  It was apparent that there was absolutely no nostalgia to this almost two year old ...  Just sheer delight in life's simplicity and a complete in-the-moment way of existing.  I have a lot to learn from this special sweet girl.