Verdict is in

I woke up this morning feeling really antsy and uncertain about how everything was going to pan out.  I knew that baby had most likely been born last night and that mom was going to make her decision today.

I texted the on call social worker and asked if she had any news.  I waited for an excruciating hour before I heard back.  Mom decided to place her baby through a private direct adoption with someone she knew personally rather than through the agency.

I felt ok about it all.  I'm disappointed that we won't be bringing home a baby, but I feel that this was the best decision for the baby.  I don't know the details, but I suspect the baby will stay in its home community, which is really important for maintaining cultural connection.  Also, I suspect that the adoption will be more open than had the baby been placed with us ...  because the mom knows and clearly trusts the parents she's placing with, I imagine that openness will be a more natural fit for everyone in this situation instead of if the baby was removed from its home community and placed with parents (us) who are not culturally connected to them at all.

So back to the drawing board.  Apollo feels relieved.  I feel disappointed, but I also feel optimistic.  Moonbeam has been asking about "the baby" all day - we never specifically addressed this particular baby with her, but it's obvious that our discussions have permeated her spongey little mind.  We took her out to the toy store and bought her a new bike to take all our minds off of the stress of the weekend and to remind ourselves how truly lucky we already are.

Moving on.

Worst part is the waiting

We haven't heard anything further about the baby that is being born today/tomorrow that we were called about.  I did talk to the social worker yesterday and I got the sense that there is a lot of uncertainty over whether mom will decide to place or not.  So there's that.

There are at least two other families that will be shown (up to four others - the social worker still hadn't heard from two of the five families she'd contacted when I talked to her yesterday afternoon).  So there's that.

The baby being born is 100% non-Caucasian.  We are currently a 100% Caucasian family.  So, I feel like it's unlikely that a mom and dad would place their non-Caucasian child in a fully Caucasian family.  There's all that.

In our profile and in our paperwork, we talk a lot about our open adoption with Aurora and that we look forward to having an open relationship with the next baby's family.  We talk about wanting to get to know mom and dad on a personal level.  We know that this mom and dad don't want to meet the prospective family and want limited contact.  So ya, there's also that.

I feel like there's a lot pointing towards a big fat no.  But a big part of me is really wanting this to work out.  I want another baby really badly, and situations like this remind me of this so much.  I feel anxious and I feel sad.  I feel hopeful, but the realistic side of me is screaming that there is a very slim chance this is going to work out.

Mom was/will be induced today ...  my google search and experience with Moonbeam's birth is that it will be a minimum of 12 hours between induction and birth, which means baby won't be born until tonight or tomorrow.

We'll know more tomorrow and we'll know for certain on Monday ...  the social worker told me she'd call us on Monday either way.

It's hard to keep this private in our normal lives - I've had to let work know that I may not be there as of Monday b/c I may have to drive 3 hours to get the baby from the hospital.  I've had to arrange childcare for Moonbeam in the event that we have to bolt tomorrow.  I've had to rearrange plans I've had with friends in the event that we have an early morning wake up and mad dash to pick up our new son/daughter.

I hate this part.  I really, really hate this part.  The worst part is the waiting.

Another call

So - another call received from the agency about a baby today.  Expectant mom hasn't yet decided if she wants to parent this baby and will be induced on Saturday.  We were asked if our profile could be shown in the event she wants to make a last minute adoption plan.  I'm having a hard time getting excited, feeling attached or committing to the process...  We'll let our profile be shown, but it's so uncertain as to whether this will a) go through or b) we'll be chosen.

At the very least, I feel it's cause to feel a mix of emotions - excitement, nervousness, happiness for a new life joining the world, anxiety, uncertainty.  I don't know what my gut's saying at this point, but I'm not sure it really matters b/c if there's one thing that I've learned through the ups and down of waiting and matches and this process is that everything is unpredictable and my gut only speaks the truth at the very end where the fork in the road lies.

We are open to this but know and trust that this will work out for all of us, no matter what decision the birth parents make.

If you've got the time to light a candle or say a silent mantra for this new life and his/her mom and dad, please do so.

Toddler tantrum link

is this anyone else's reality these days?

http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/119/36-Reasons-My-Kid-Is-Crying-Temper-Tantrums-You-Can-t-Help-But-Laugh-At

Eyes and hearts

I was standing at the check out line the other day and was totally stunned at how similar two little boys (brothers) looked to each other and to their mother.  It took a few minutes to register that this was "normal" and obviously what most families face...  Same noses, same eyes and ears and freckles. Right, I thought, they are a biological family.  They are the norm...  My norm isn't really the norm.  Right.

I looked at my daughter and although I didn't see my eyes or my nose or my freckles reflected back at me on her face, I saw our hearts entwined in her sweet little smile.