I never thought in a million years that #1 - I'd ever be a mom (this took over 10 years to happen) or #2 - that I'd be a mom through adoption. It's crazy. I look at my daughter and love her like crazy. I look at my life and wonder what paths I took to lead me to this very spot at this very moment. It sort of makes me cry, but it mostly makes me smile in amazement.
How lucky I am to be here now with this particular little girl to call me mama, this particular man to call me his wife. How lucky I really am.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
Still waiting for finally
Over the past few weeks, I've been in a weird head space. We're still waiting ("still" meaning a relatively short "still" ... we've been back on the wait list since September 25th, which is only 3 months ago). I'm ok with not having baby 2 yet, but I don't really feel ok with being on list. It's hard.
I don't know if it would be easier if we hadn't received two calls already - both calls being situations that fell outside of our comfort levels and would have meant drastic lifestyle changes for our family. I'm ok with the decisions we made and don't regret saying no. But I think these two calls shook me up in a way that I wasn't really prepared for. I now know how completely out of the blue these calls can come from - at times that I'm not mentally prepared for. The first came as we were settling in for a Saturday afternoon nap and the second came when I was in training at work and Apollo was in a work meeting. Our minds were on other things and we weren't expecting to be presented with cases where babies were already born and at the hospital.
Over the past couple weeks, I feel I've been bracing myself and have been on edge. I have my phone with me at all times. I check my call history compulsively. My breath stops a little when I get a text message or my cell rings. It's as though I think these behaviours are going to prepare me for what I damn well know I can't be prepared for.
I know there are people who wait on the list for years. We may very well be in this situation this time around. But I wonder if I'd have an easier time with the wait if I had never received those two calls in the first place... If I'd be more at peace and more content with waiting and living my current life.
The funny thing is - I'm perfectly happy with how things are right now and I wouldn't mind it if we didn't have another child for another year. I'm on track for a big promotion at work after the spring. Moonbeam is still little enough that I question whether now would be the best time for a sibling for her (waiting until she is a bit bigger definitely wouldn't hurt things). We've got reno plans for our home this summer which I don't think we can afford if I'm not working. Sure, I'd love a baby (of course), but I'm just saying it's not the end of the world to me if it doesn't happen right this moment.
It's not the "longing for another baby" that's eating away at me right now ... it's the not knowing when this is going to happen that is. It's not a new baby that I'm craving, it's this part of my life, the infertility, trying for a baby, when the hell is this going to be over thing that I really want to put an end to. I can't wait for this part of my life to be over so we can move on as a family.
I try and remember that Moonbeam is a perfect fit for our family, that our relationship with her birth mom is exactly what we'd hoped it would be. I hope this happens again, but this may mean it will take some time. But still - I'm looking forward to moving on, moving past this stage of waiting and wondering. Waiting for "still" to be over. Waiting for "finally" to arrive.
I don't know if it would be easier if we hadn't received two calls already - both calls being situations that fell outside of our comfort levels and would have meant drastic lifestyle changes for our family. I'm ok with the decisions we made and don't regret saying no. But I think these two calls shook me up in a way that I wasn't really prepared for. I now know how completely out of the blue these calls can come from - at times that I'm not mentally prepared for. The first came as we were settling in for a Saturday afternoon nap and the second came when I was in training at work and Apollo was in a work meeting. Our minds were on other things and we weren't expecting to be presented with cases where babies were already born and at the hospital.
Over the past couple weeks, I feel I've been bracing myself and have been on edge. I have my phone with me at all times. I check my call history compulsively. My breath stops a little when I get a text message or my cell rings. It's as though I think these behaviours are going to prepare me for what I damn well know I can't be prepared for.
I know there are people who wait on the list for years. We may very well be in this situation this time around. But I wonder if I'd have an easier time with the wait if I had never received those two calls in the first place... If I'd be more at peace and more content with waiting and living my current life.
The funny thing is - I'm perfectly happy with how things are right now and I wouldn't mind it if we didn't have another child for another year. I'm on track for a big promotion at work after the spring. Moonbeam is still little enough that I question whether now would be the best time for a sibling for her (waiting until she is a bit bigger definitely wouldn't hurt things). We've got reno plans for our home this summer which I don't think we can afford if I'm not working. Sure, I'd love a baby (of course), but I'm just saying it's not the end of the world to me if it doesn't happen right this moment.
It's not the "longing for another baby" that's eating away at me right now ... it's the not knowing when this is going to happen that is. It's not a new baby that I'm craving, it's this part of my life, the infertility, trying for a baby, when the hell is this going to be over thing that I really want to put an end to. I can't wait for this part of my life to be over so we can move on as a family.
I try and remember that Moonbeam is a perfect fit for our family, that our relationship with her birth mom is exactly what we'd hoped it would be. I hope this happens again, but this may mean it will take some time. But still - I'm looking forward to moving on, moving past this stage of waiting and wondering. Waiting for "still" to be over. Waiting for "finally" to arrive.
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