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It's been a while since I was feeling that things were genuinely in a good space with our open adoption. Today I feel I can genuinely say that good is making its way back.
I look back at the ups and downs of how things have gone over the past year and I wonder if there are things that I should regret. I don't doubt that I've made mistakes. I don't doubt that I've said hurtful things, despite not meaning to. I don't doubt that my own insecurities have clouded my judgment at times.
Over the course of the past year, Apollo, Aurora and I have all done our best, this I am sure. We've done our best for ourselves, for each other, but most of all we've done our best for little Moonbeam. Oh little Moonbeam, who we all love so very much.
I have learned that I have limits and that this is ok. I have learned that I am the only piece of this puzzle that I can control. I have learned (am learning) that guilt is not indicative of having done something wrong ... I have learned (am learning) that guilt is not an objective or healthy way to process the dynamics of our relationship.
I feel Aurora growing stronger and I am so thankful for this. I see her gaining confidence in our triad and asking for things that are important for her.
I feel myself relaxing. I feel myself starting to trust again.
I feel Apollo gaining understanding and comfort that we're all going to be ok.
I feel Moonbeam radiating happiness, love and joy. I feel that because the three adults in our adoption are able to come together with openness, strength and understanding, Moonbeam is going to shine and radiate a light that is beyond beautiful.
We've had some tough times in our open adoption and it's hard not to wonder if there were things that should have been done, said and handled differently. If I'm being honest, yes, there are times where we've made some mistakes.
But, I feel that these mistakes were necessary - they were what needed to happen to establish personal ground rules and healthy boundaries. They weren't easy to walk through as they were happening, but at the end of the day, they were good. Without mistakes, we would have learned nothing.
I feel like the lines of communication are opening up again - that we've gained some tools to process the shock of what's happened to all of us (birth, adoption, parenting, not parenting, gaining immediate new family, loss, getting to know each other, grief, guilt, happiness, pride, you name it!). We are learning our roles in our daughter's life and are gaining comfort that none of us are going anywhere, that we're committed to each other, to this little girl we all love so very much.
So ya, I'm feeling good. I think we all are. I am excited about where our relationship is headed. I'm not naive to think that it's smooth sailing forever ahead ... but I do know that our bond is strengthening and that we are gaining trust that we really do have each others' backs.
The key? Talking and opening up. Opening even when the door feels stuck - pushing with all our might and looking to see what is behind the door, even when it feels safer to keep it locked shut. I'm learning that safe doesn't mean better. Opening up can be scary, but it's the only way to sweep out the dust and let the fresh air and sunshine in.
