Disclosure?

Image borrowed from http://lynneamiller.com/

Since adopting our daughter, we have had to decide how open to be with the general population about our adoption story ...  that is, how much to disclose when faced with questions by friendly/curious people that we meet through the interactions of daily life (i.e. I'm referring to strangers).  What Apollo and I decided early on, and have continued to stick to, is that the details of Moonbeam's adoption are personal to Moonbeam and our family and that information is to be shared only with people close to us or on a need to know basis (e.g. her pediatrician, health care providers, child care providers, etc.).

This has often proven to be easier said than done.

Very regularly, we are faced with questions such as "Where does she get those eyes?" or "Does she look more like Mom or Dad?" and we've become pros at being vague and dismissive ...  we slough the questions off and innocently admit that we don't know where she gets her eyes (true) or that we don't know if she looks more like Mom or Dad (true).  As Moonbeam gets older, she may choose to share with strangers that she gets her eyes from her birth mom or that she doesn't know if she looks like her birth father ... but until then, I don't feel comfortable making it known to strangers without Moonbeam's consent that we adopted her. 

As I type those words I wonder if this is the right approach ...  If I'm in some way imposing "adoption shame" on Moonbeam and coercing her to be silent about her history.

On the other hand, we are open with our family, friends and others who we are in regular contact (e.g. coworkers).  We often share with Moonbeam and others in our life that she looks like Aurora.  When we visit Aurora, I openly talk about their common features - they are both beauties and share so much in the looks department.  I'm not shy to talk about this to our extended family if it comes up - especially when they tell me she looks like me or Apollo (which is weird in itself to deal with ...  everyone knows that we adopted Moonbeam and I can only assume they understand that this means we don't share genes ...).

Apollo and I were confronted with this discussion the other day when someone asked us where Moonbeam gets her beautiful eyes from.  I'm faced with this question a lot and I brushed it off with "I don't really know ..." and Apollo answered "From her mom."  Both were kind of true ...  we don't really know and it's possible that she inherited this feature from Aurora.  The lady leaned in to examine my eyes and said "Yes, she does have your eyes."  Apollo and I smiled, thanked her and moved the conversation along in a different direction.  Afterwards I told Apollo that I felt a bit like a fraud, but we agreed that the person was not "in the circle" and didn't need to know the intimate details of our family make up.

I understand that in so many ways we are lucky because Moonbeam could pass as our biological child, which eliminates a lot of questions and judgment by the general population.  We were open to adopting a child of a different ethnicity and now I am starting to understand how much different this whole experience would be if we couldn't just hide behind the shield of looking the same. 

This leads me to question if we are pretending that the situation is something other than what it really is ...  And whether we should be more open with strangers about how we came to be a family.  We are not ashamed of our adoption story or our journey to parent and never want Moonbeam to feel ashamed about how she came to be our child.   

Where do/would you draw the line when it comes to disclosure? 

Doll Displeasure

Image borrowed from www.mcfarlanes-figures.com

The presents are unwrapped, the stockings are down, the family obligations are out of the way.  I officially declare Moonbeam's first Christmas (and our first Christmas as a family) to be a huge success.  We tried not to go overboard on gifts for her and I think our choice was wise ...  she seems to be getting the greatest joy out of the multicoloured balls we got her for a whopping $4.  Those, and the red ribbon tied to her toboggan.  And she's already eaten part of the spine on her new board book, so I'm glad that I saved my money and went for a cheap edition of that one too.

There was one thing that I did try and find for Moonbeam that I wasn't able to locate ...  a doll.  She has a couple little hand-me-down dolls that she loves to kiss and hold, as well as one of the "B.ab'y's F.irst" dolls which she likes too.  But I was looking for a doll that wasn't, well, white...  one that didn't have the telltale blond hair, blue eyes and pale complexion that fill her current doll collection.  I wanted something a little more real - a little doll to kiss, hug and hold that looks like something other than a mirror image of herself (Moonbeam is as Caucasian as they come).  I think it's important that she develop racial acceptance starting now and I thought that this would be a perfect thing to complete the set of gifts we got for her.

I went to a mega toy retailer with the certainty that I would find a doll that fit my expectations - I did, after all, only have one specific criterion (i.e. a doll of any ethnicity other than Caucasian).  Amidst the crowds of people, I found my way to the doll section where I was greeted by other women looking to purchase a doll for a little person in their own lives.  Not all the women were Caucasian ...  in fact, most weren't.  There were African women, Asian women, Indian women and First Nation women.  And guess how many dolls that I found that weren't white?  Zero.

Zero dolls representing origins other than good ole' white people.  I was shocked.

How can the little kids in our lives feel ok with who they are and what they look like if they can't even play with toys that look like themselves?  How can we expect our kids to be loving and accepting of children who are different than they are if they don't have the benefit of learning these attitudes and behaviours through play?  I just assumed that there would be dolls of every shape and colour readily available for purchase at the standard toy stores, but sadly I was wrong.  It really makes me angry that little girls and boys are expected to play with little toy babies that only come in one race.  It indicates to me that there is something grossly wrong with how we start shaping the self-images of our kids and that society seems to be ok with it.

Complete

Image borrowed from www.pickywallpapers.com

As I sit and watch my daughter play on the floor this morning, I feel ...  Joy.  Gratitude.  Love.  I feel complete.

Christmas after Christmas I pulled through with a smile on my face, always hiding my tears and sadness for the sake of others ...  hoping that each passing holiday was the last that I remained childless.  I remember last year was especially grueling - it marked our 10th Christmas without a child, despite our efforts.  It marked our first Christmas of no longer TTC - one where we were anticipating the upcoming home study process and holding out hope that a placement was in the cards for us.

And now, one year later, here I sit (coffee in hand!), watching my 9.5 month old little miracle flip through picture books, kiss pictures of her Daddy in a baby-proof photo album I made for her and dancing to the music on the radio.  It doesn't get any better than this!

Is it everything I hoped for?  Does it take away the darkness that I was feeling all those years?  Without a doubt - the answer is a loud and resounding YES.  Moonbeam lights up our home, our hearts, our lives.  Being a mom is more than I ever could have hoped for - I love it.  People say parenting is hard ...  Apollo and I have yet to feel this.  We feel that parenting is joyous and fun.  Infertility is hard.  Navigating adoption relationships is hard.  But being a mom and dad?  It is the best thing that has ever happened to us.  After 10 years of battling infertility, we are happy to say that parenting is the easy part.

This holiday season is a special one for our family - our first Christmas with little Moonbeam.  It is so much fun to see the season through Moonbeam's eyes - she is smitten with the tree, the lights, the hanging decorations and the Christmas pictures and cards sent by family and friends.  She loves the little elf hat we got her and the boxes, paper and ribbons (so cliche but true - she really does love the wrapping and boxes better than the actual gifts!).  She loves the Charlie Brown Christmas cartoon, the Elvis carols playing on the radio and the stockings hanging from our fireplace mantel.  She brings magic to our home this Christmas.  She makes our family feel whole.

With that - time for another coffee and to go kiss my little elf.  Wishing you all the best this holiday season!  Merry Christmas!

Listening to:  Presents for Christmas - Solomon Burke