I have a weird thing about letting go. Like if I let go of the idea of baby #2 and when that's going to happen for us, it never will. Like being satisfied about my own current life situation will make the next thing I'm hoping for never happen.
I know it doesn't make sense, but I feel unable to let the tension related to "when" and "how" just go ... just in case by surrendering I'm jinxing myself from the very thing I want so badly from never happening.
Realistically I know none of this makes any sense. I'm holding on/obsessing about an idea of something (when will I get another baby? how will this happen?) which is unrelated to the events that will need to take place for baby 2 to happen (crisis pregnancy from a woman who wants to place her baby, our profile being shown, our profile being picked, us having a relationship with an expectant mom that is strong enough to validate her placing her baby with us).
Had this not happened to me once before, I think I would be thinking the chances of this happening are incredibly unlikely. But it happens. Circumstances, situations happen. This too will happen. It's just really really hard to not know when and how.
It's time to let it go though. I've been holding on too tightly and the uncertainty is driving me bonkers. I want another baby, but I worry that I'm focusing too much thought on this and not enough on appreciating that I am one helluva lucky mama just as it stands today. So time to grab hold of that "when will this happen, when will this happen, when will this happen" and push forward to "wow - this is really awesome ... I have a two year old and she rocks. Let's enjoy this time."
Letting go...
