A day in the life of Moonbeam

Moonbeam

Moonbeam is almost 16 months old and today, I want to dedicate some time to writing all about this special little girl I am so lucky to have as my daughter.

Today I took Moonbeam shopping - this isn't something I generally choose to do with her, as I cherish my shopping alone time and it's usually a way for me to get some "me" time without the constant demands of a little person, a husband or work.  But I have the next week off of work and I thought today would be a good day to bring her along as I shopped for a dress for a wedding we're attending tomorrow.

Before heading off, I fed Moonbeam a nice big breakfast (she's a huge eater - she honestly consumes more calories than I do in a day) so that she'd have a full tummy for the morning.  As usual, I gave her her own spoon so that she could scoop the oatmeal out of her bowl and practice eating on her own.  She is doing so good with this - and she is so proud to eat on her own using big girl utensils!

Next, I asked her if she wanted to get her hair done.  This used to be a huge battle for us, but her Nana (Apollo's mom) just finished a 2 month stay with us and she transformed Moonbeam from a total hair-rebel into LOVING getting her hair done.  When I offered to do her hair this morning, Moonbeam toddled over to the bathroom door and banged on it with her little hand; yes!  of course she wanted her hair done!  So I picked her up and sat her at the sink while she "brushed her teeth" and helped me comb her hair.  We sucessfully tied in two little pigtails and we were ready to get dressed.

Moonbeam loves clothes.  She is the girliest of girls, which is really quite funny, as this is not something that she gets from me nor did she inherit this biologically from Aurora.  It's just all her.  So when we went to her room to pick out her clothes for the day, it wasn't a surprise when she picked the sparkliest, pinkest Minnie Mouse (aka "Mimi" to Moonbeam) shirt and and matching shorts.  Once dressed from head to toe in pink, we were all set.

When I told her that we were going to go for a car ride to go shopping, she walked over to her car seat and climbed in.  She's still in an infant rear-facing seat, as she doesn't meet the weight requirement for a forward-facing seat yet (in Canada, children have to be 22 lbs and she's barely breaking 21 lbs).  We strapped her in and then she waved and said bye bye to Daddy.

Once at the mall, she was in heaven.  All the people to wave and say hi to!  The music (she dances constantly and loves top 40 type songs, despite the musical refinement we are trying to bestow on her)!  All the pretty sales ladies telling her that she's so cute (this pleases her to no end - she is such a flirt)!  And all the pretty clothes to ooohhh and aahhh at!

This happiness lasted until I had to venture into the fitting room to try on some dresses.  She really disliked having the door closed (despite having a full length mirror to flirt with herself in) and she kept pointing at the door handle and saying bye bye.  I wondered if the closed quarters and white walls were reminiscent of the doctor's office that she so dislikes being closed up in.  I picked out a dress really quickly and then we were on our way.

Next were shoes for Moonbeam.  She doesn't have any hard-soled shoes yet, as we were waiting until she was walking to get her a pair.  She and I found our way to a shoe store and she loved looking at the various sparkly and pink shoes.  I pulled her out of her little cart and asked her to try some of the shoes on.  She furiously shook her head no and hit the pair of shoes I had in my hand for her to try on.  I tried another pair.  Same reaction with more forceful hitting.  And then another pair.  An even stronger refusal.  So we gave up on shoes.

I knew we were running on borrowed time as we were encroaching on nap-time territory.  But I really wanted cute socks and shoes for her to wear to the pre-wedding party she and I are attending tonight.  So we made our way to the D.isney store - a total hit.  She loves that place ...  before I was a parent, I would shake my head when my sister insisted we take her little guy in there to buy him pj's or a toy or whatever.  Now, it really makes my day to see Moonbeam's eyes light up with so much magic and excitement.  I found her a pair of little Minnie shoes and pink frilly socks (she refused to try them on) and we were ready to go home.

As soon as we got home, I showed her the new Minnie shoes.  I expected a tantrum similar to what had escalated at the mall, but she snatched them out of my hand and with a huge grin on her face, she repeatedly exclaimed "Wowwwww!!!".  I promised her we could wear them later and then Daddy put her down for a nap.

It's crazy that my little baby is transforming into a little girl right before my eyes.  She loves Beyonce, tutus and blueberries.  She is walking all around now and refuses to hold my hand.  She plainly tells me "no" and "I don't want" and is learning to say "yes" and sign "thank you".  She knows all sorts of words (it's blowing my mind!) - bird, noisy, ball, bath, blueberry (boo ba), fish, mama and daddy, nana (her grandma), woosh for water, sshhh for soother, baby, no, duck, outside ...  and that's just off the top of my head.  She is so smart and makes me so proud with every single new thing she does.

Sometimes I can't even remember never being a mom.  Sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty for being annoyed when Moonbeam is throwing a tantrum and hitting shoes I want to buy for her.

In the first few months that Moonbeam became my daughter, sometimes I would forget that I actually was a mom, like when I was shopping in a kids' store and would think "When I have a kid, I'll buy her that!" and then suddenly realizing I had a 3 month old baby at home with her daddy.  Ten years of infertility and disappointment wears a person down - I think I seriously doubted that I would ever really be a mother.  Luckily, the sadness of infertility has worn off and I truly celebrate this wonderful opportunity life has granted me.  I love being a mom; I used to wonder if it was an overrated title, but for me, it really is all I ever wanted to become ...  and everything about the role lives up to my expectations.

And here I am with a TODDLER - not a baby anymore (although anytime I point to a baby, Moonbeam pats herself on the chest and says "baby").  I love this kid more than life itself and I love seeing who she is becoming, shoe tantrums and all.

Back in the saddle

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So, we're doing it again.  The checklists are filled out, the medical is done, the security clearances are in the works...  Yep, we're on the road to adopting another child.

It took us a long time to come this decision.  Moonbeam is almost 16 months now and it's something we've been tossing around honestly since she was born.  There is so much to consider when adopting a second child ...  I feel like it just can't feel the same as I think it would if we were fertile and just decided that having a second baby would be nice - rolling around in the hay a bit and 2 weeks later being preggers.

Adopting a second child just feels weightier. 

We lucked out big time on the adoption front in so many ways with Moonbeam.  We essentially had no wait, we connected with Aurora right off the get go, there were no legal risks or even inklings that Aurora was ever going to change her mind, we were at Moonbeam's birth and we have continued to have a very open relationship with Aurora since we first met her.  For our family, although the relationship and situation have not been without their growing pains, our open adoption has worked out perfectly.

Now with a second child, it feels like there are so many factors to consider.  Now it's not just Apollo and I we're concerned about - it's the well-being of Moonbeam, baby-to-be, even Aurora and future birth families to consider. 

For baby #2, we had to think really, really hard as to what we were open to this time as we filled out our 50+ pages of checklists.  And what it came down to is that we're open to the exact same things that we were open to on the first go around.

Because here's the thing.  Papers are just that - papers.  The check boxes are what get your profile shown or held back when expectant families approach the agency looking to place their children for adoption.  On paper, when you're going through the boxes and you look at everything in aggregate, it seems terrifying.  But isolate any one of the factors and you've likely got a manageable situation. 

So once again, we're wide open to what life is ready to throw at us.  It's kind of scary.  It's kind of exciting.  I'm trying not to think about it too much, really. 

I'm scared about not loving this child as much as I love Moonbeam (because Moonbeam is my absolute everything - is it possible to love another human being THIS MUCH???). 

I'm scared about Moonbeam feeling rejected and not getting all the love and nurturing she deserves - but when it comes down to it, I'm more scared about the little demon we're creating as an only child (her new favourite words are "I don't want" ...  like what???  She's freaking 16 months.  Oh boy.).

I'm scared about how this will play out between Apollo and I - we're already at times scrabbling to keep our own relationship happy and healthy without adding the strain of a second child into the mix.

I'm scared about what sort of relationship will manifest itself with a new birthfamily and how this will impact both of our children.

But I'm excited too.  I'm excited to have another baby in our lives!  To see Moonbeam as a big sister, to grow our family, to experience parenthood all over again with Apollo, to get to know a new little person and share our lives with him/her.

We've still got some finishing touches to add to our dear birth parent letter and we've got one set of security clearances yet to come back.  Then that's it for our final submission for baby #2 - which will then get our home study rolling.  We've been taking our time with the paperwork over the past month, but now there's very little standing in the way between becoming expectant/waiting parents!

So lots going on here - we're excited, we're scared, we're blissfully pretending our lives aren't about to drastically change once again.  Heading into the adoption scene a second time is way less excruciating this time around.  The first time we wanted nothing more than a quick, easy placement.  This time we're much more relaxed about timing ...  in some ways, it would be nice to have some breathing room between babies.  But we'll see what's in the cards for us.  With adoption, you have to leave a lot up to fate and, shall I even dare say it?  Destiny.  The baby that is meant to be our child will come when it's time.

How to Respond?

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It's been a big month for us - lots of changes (all good) and plans for moving ahead with various things in life (family planning - more to come on this, jobs, house projects ...  and Moonbeam is WALKING!!! eek!).  I've had little time for just myself and even littler time to write.  But this month I'm participating in ICLW, which I know will be good - it'll force me to carve some time out for myself, to reflect and to write.

Something I've been struggling with lately is exactly how I should be handling other people's random comments about building and being a family through open adoption.

Scenario #1:
It started off a couple months ago when I returned to work.  People had plenty of questions and opinions about my take on openness in adoption.  I took all of this with a grain of salt and took people's comments as mostly well-intentioned and founded in curiosity rather than judgment.  Then after a few months of being back, I off-handedly remarked to one of my female colleagues that Moonbeam was starting to hit (this happened around 12 months or so).  She mentioned that her 2 boys never hit anyone as toddlers (which I now know has to be a total lie, after my countless interviews with other toddler moms).  She went on to explain that the lack of hitting resulted from the genetic link between her and her children.

I was shocked and hurt, but chalked it up to clumsiness and didn't think (too) much about it again.

Then a couple weeks ago, this same co-worker hosted a birthday lunch for me at a restaurant with a group of my colleagues.  We were all chatting about children, and I piped up asking the other parents if, with their second child, they were worried they wouldn't have the same feelings towards them as their first child.

The same co-worker piped up (in front of everyone) that no, she didn't feel any different towards her second child, but that for her this was obviously a biological thing and that she didn't know how it would be for me. 

Again, I was shocked and hurt...  and tongue tied.  I didn't know how to respond and so I didn't.  I just sat there awkwardly until another co-worker piped up that he too had felt the same concern for his second child but that he ended up bonding with that child the same as the first.

Scenario #2:
I was talking to my mother in law a couple weeks ago and she brought up a recent conversation she had with a long-time acquaintance of hers.  It turns out that this acquaintance has two children through adoption.  My mother in law proceeded to tell my the horror story that was acquaintance's first match, which ultimately resulted in a relinquishment after the baby was placed with her.  My response to my mother in law was polite at first until she started into the heart-wrenching details of the failed match.  I stopped her mid-sentence and told her I didn't want to hear anymore ...  and explained to her that what she was doing was explaining a baby-loss story to me, in graphic detail...  I turned the story on its head and told her that it was similar to me being pregnant and then her telling me graphic detalis about an ugly miscarriage or stillbirth.  She felt so bad, but got the point ...  because she hasn't brought up anything adoption-related recently at all.

Scenario #3
My very fertile neighbour (she has 5 kids, including 2 sets of fraternal twins), came over yesterday for a quick playdate with our babes.  Her mom is a birth mom from a closed adoption, and from what I gather, adoption has some negative connotations for them.  Anyway, we were chatting about a tap dancing show that she is going to perform in and the story randomly shifted to a friend of hers who so happens to be adopted.  Out of nowhere, she tells me that her adopted friend grew up feeling isolated from her adoptive family and never felt grounded in life because her adoptive parents never understood her.  Then she met her birth mom and everything changed, she has a new attitude towads life and that she finally feels understood.  I think this is great and don't doubt that meeting her birth mom did her friend a world of good (which is why we are in an open adoption, b/c we see the benefits for everyone involved, especially Moonbeam).  But really.  The last thing I need to hear is that the friend had a shitty life thanks to her shitty adopted family and their inability to parent her the way she needed to be parented.  Of course, I didn't say anything, but in my mind I was screaming at her to stop talking and wishing she would stop talking about negative adoption experiences with me.

So ya.  Some advice I got today was to just let it all roll off my back and to laugh it off.  Other advice I've received is to essentially shut these people down and, if required, embarrass them so that they understand their behaviour is offensive.  But here's the thing.  I just smile and pretend I'm rolling with it...  I think part of it has to do with being a people pleaser and wanting to avoid conflict at all costs.  Part of it has to do with feeling a bit fragile and emotional about the very issues people throw at me.  And part of it has to do with not being super quick on my feet in these situations, and not coming up with a response until much later.

So what do you think?  How would you respond in these situations?  Are you more of a let it roll or clear the air kind of person?  I'd be interested to know how others handle/would handle these scenarios!