Transitioning

Borrowed from www.tinenormann.com

When we gave ourselves the go ahead for open adoption, I knew we were signing up for a lifelong commitment with a child and with a birth family.  I knew that there was a risk that the birth parents may change their minds before or after the birth of the child.  My husband and I agreed that the relationship with the birth family was for the benefit of the child.  We wrote in our dear birth parent letter that we were looking for members of our future child's birth family to become extended members of our own family. 

What we didn't know is how difficult this was all going to be when it actually happened.

I never prepared myself for the guilt that came with taking home a baby from the hospital while another woman, another mother, went home empty handed.  I never prepared myself for the emotional attachment to my child's Birth Mother.  No one told me how hard it was going to be to separate myself from our daughter's Birth Mom and refocus our adoption so that it was centred on the child and not her Birth Mom.

The moment Moonbeam was born, I knew that I was her forever mom.  I never questioned whether Birth Mom would change her mind ...  I just knew that it was all meant to be.  What I didn't know was how hard it was going to be to separate myself from being Birth Mom's main supporter to being Moonbeam's main supporter.

This transition has taken until now - 8 months in to our open adoption - to fully implement.  I don't know if it's because Moonbeam is starting to show the first tell-tale signs of making strange to anyone other than me or if it's just time itself that has started to work its magic.  I don't know if it's because we are finally starting to get some distance from Birth Mom - now 7 weeks rather than 2 weeks between visits and fewer texts / pictures.  I don't know if it's that it takes all moms about 8 months to wrap their minds around becoming mothers (bio moms get 9 months to prepare, whereas my husband and I had a week!).  Regardless, it has taken until now for me to confidently head into our  next visit with Birth Mom and know that although I love and care for her, my main focus is Moonbeam's well being and emotional health, not hers.  This is finally about Moonbeam and not about her Birth Mom.

For the past 8 months, I have felt vulnerable.  I think a lot of this has to do with there being a possibility that my child could be taken away from me until the adoption was finalized ...  therefore I sort of held my breath while social workers and judges put their stamps of approval on the authenticity of my motherhood.  Until that point, I wanted to give Birth Mom an opportunity to change her mind if she really wanted to.  I never wanted to be the one to break up a mama and her babe...  and transitioning from the mindset that placing Moonbeam for adoption was Birth Mom's choice, and not because of me took a long time.  Since the adoption has been finalized, I have had to work through strain on my relationship with Birth Mom that didn't exist before the adoption was settled in court.  I have had to find my footing as a mom and move away from being Birth Mom's main pillar of support ...  and move towards just being Moonbeam's mama.

I never prepared myself for sadness or guilt associated with adopting a child.  I only prepared myself for the eternal bliss that would come as a result of welcoming a child into our lives.  Looking back, if anyone did try to prepare me for this, I certainly never thought that it would happen to ME.  I never guessed that I would struggle with being an adopted mom. 

8 months in to this, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I no longer feel afraid that Moonbeam will shun me as her mom when Birth Mom is around (although I always knew it was unrealistic that the baby I'd cared for since the moment she was born would turn her back on me for biology, the feelings were there!).  I don't feel like I have to impress Birth Mom with how amazing of a mom I am or that I live up to any standard I set on paper through our homestudy or in our dear birth parent letter.  I don't feel I need Birth Mom's approval that she made the right choice,  because I have come to realize that her journey through grief and pain is not a reflection of me at all.  It's not my daughter's Birth Mom that is going to give me the title of Mom, it's Moonbeam who will.

Listening to:  Into the Mystic - Van Morrison