I have a weird thing about letting go. Like if I let go of the idea of baby #2 and when that's going to happen for us, it never will. Like being satisfied about my own current life situation will make the next thing I'm hoping for never happen.
I know it doesn't make sense, but I feel unable to let the tension related to "when" and "how" just go ... just in case by surrendering I'm jinxing myself from the very thing I want so badly from never happening.
Realistically I know none of this makes any sense. I'm holding on/obsessing about an idea of something (when will I get another baby? how will this happen?) which is unrelated to the events that will need to take place for baby 2 to happen (crisis pregnancy from a woman who wants to place her baby, our profile being shown, our profile being picked, us having a relationship with an expectant mom that is strong enough to validate her placing her baby with us).
Had this not happened to me once before, I think I would be thinking the chances of this happening are incredibly unlikely. But it happens. Circumstances, situations happen. This too will happen. It's just really really hard to not know when and how.
It's time to let it go though. I've been holding on too tightly and the uncertainty is driving me bonkers. I want another baby, but I worry that I'm focusing too much thought on this and not enough on appreciating that I am one helluva lucky mama just as it stands today. So time to grab hold of that "when will this happen, when will this happen, when will this happen" and push forward to "wow - this is really awesome ... I have a two year old and she rocks. Let's enjoy this time."
Letting go...
Actually, it totally makes sense to feel that way. I think we all have areas where what feels true in your gut doesn't match up to logic. Especially when something is really important, we're even more likely to get kind of superstitious. No, you can't make baby #2 show up through willpower, but I can't blame you for trying!
ReplyDeleteI can relate...it's very difficult to live in the present when you are looking toward and trying to predict the future. Abiding with you...
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. On one hand, it's engrained in us to pursue what we want with a white hot passion that consumes everything. But I think you're right: driving oneself bonkers over something we have zero control over only results in unhappiness. I know you want another baby. It's very natural. And it sucks that unlike others you have to go through this process. Hang in there my friend. Wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteAll the previous commenters are very wise. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.
ReplyDeleteSituations like this require us to do a delicate dance of making things happen and letting things happen. That's why letting go is so hard. You've been doing the dance for so long, you can't remember what it's like to not dance.
I'm abiding with you as you resolve things, and I know that you will. You will not be In Between and doing this dance forever. I, too, wish you peace.
I think it makes sense because it's trying to feel control over a situation that you know is out of your control. So we start grasping and convincing ourselves that anything we do can make a difference. The wait is so hard and so stressful.
ReplyDeleteIt does make sense. I don't have any additional wisdom to share, all that has been said, nail. head. Except, dive in to your present and savor the moments.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate. For me, I think it has to do with superstition as well. I hope you are able to find a way to let go and be in the moment. And when you figure it out, be sure to let us know !
ReplyDeleteYep. I know how this goes. I think the difference between our situations is that you have done what you need to do and are waiting for the right fit to happen. There is nothing more you need to do my dear. Enjoy this time and know that it's in the hands of someone else now. I wish I could just wait, but ttc doesn't allow for that. I have faith that beore you know it, your next child will be on his or her way. Much love.
ReplyDeleteI would chant every day to be a mother and have the baby that was meant for us. I know what you mean. Keep the faith, go on with your life, make plans, enjoy and the time will arrive when the child that is meant to be in your life will arrive.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. It is a terrible place to be and try to shake. You want to live in the now, but fear that by doing so will let your hopes and dreams fade away because you "forgot" about them. Or there are the feelings of guilt that if you stop thinking about it, you must not have wanted it that badly. Neither is true, but you want to be free of the worry. At least that is how it can feel for me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI find your thoughts interesting, because so often I feel the opposite. I feel if I desperately want something, and focus on that and assume that it will happen, then it won't. So I try not to care. I guess we all have our superstitions. Wanting to find control in any way we can.
ReplyDeleteBut being satisfied with where you are right now is not of course going to change what happens in the future. It just changes how you feel about what is happening now. And isn't the "now" the only thing you can count on?
I think planning not to plan is a good plan!
ReplyDeleteYou could put your life on hold, or you could go for what you want in both areas of your life, and if you get them both, then it's a great issue to have. And not, then it's a good thing you didn't put all your eggs in one basket. Because a lot of us have done that at some stage, and it hasn't worked out for us. Careers change too. If you have an opportunity, then go for it! Grab it when you can.
Bottom-line is to do what feels right for you, rather than based on other people's opinions.
You're an amazing mom! Letting go is always a struggle for me too. So I can really relate to this post. Whenever I read your words…I just want to give you a big hug from California. XOXO
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