Monday, 2 March 2015
#MicroblogMondays - Effects of 12 years
We've been trying to build our family for 12 years - a helluva long time if you ask me. For all of these years I've been looking forward to the next step in a long sequence of unanticipated movements. In all these years, I've never been entirely settled. I feel it's only a matter of time before our family is complete... And then what? Have I trained my mind, my body, my whole existence to feel unsettled? Will I be content with my two kids, my regular job, my normal family? What have 12 years of waiting done to my psyche and my ability to be present?
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Speaking from only 7 years of family building (and stepmothering) I can tell you that after the addition of our daughter my sense of calm grew, and as I became more confident she would stay with us I also realised our family was complete, we were settled and happy. (And looking forward to anticipated movements like first steps, first words etc.)
ReplyDeleteThese words are coming from the eternal wanderer.
Even though in my dreams we would have two children.
I wondered the same thing. At the moment I feel calm and relief. We'll see what happens....
ReplyDeleteI've wondered this too. We're only on year 6, but I yearn for it to be over, even though I don't know if that will solve the unsettled feeling...
ReplyDeleteI think those of us who have been on this path long enough naturally wonder about this. It's hard not too! Maybe it's not that you finally get to a destination but a process of settling? Like what Valery talks about.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
It's so hard to visualize a future when you're always waiting for things to change....and they keep staying the same. 12 years is a long time. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI wonder that myself. The happily ever after. The living out the rest of your life. The setting of a new goal; or not a goal: just living.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that feeling ever goes away when you've lived with it for so long.
ReplyDeleteThis sums it up for me... "Have I trained my mind, my body, my whole existence to feel unsettled?" All that waiting does train your psyche and changes it, and I think the only thing to do is to be aware of it and try to mold it to where you need to be. I am waiting differently than I've waited before, and I know that the waiting won't be over until we feel complete, whatever that is (can't even imagine it yet). I wish you peace!
ReplyDelete12 years is a long time for anything to be "in process", but family building...makes it seem like even more. This summer would mark 7 years for us and I am quite positive to say I am done (esp after this one arrives). May you find yourself and peace to go with it.
ReplyDeleteI think you're wise to be musing on this because I didn't see it coming. It was something of a transition to go from always being on a project (like family-building) to being on a continuous process. With a project, you know when you're done. With a process, there is no done. It's just ongoing, and there was something unsettling about that to me after being so goal-oriented.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to me as someone with a high ability to be present, even amid unpleasant stuff :-)
It took us 7 years and I'd have to say since we only have one child, it took a few more to feel okay with that. Every now and then I get rocked by how much time it all took. I think it's very wise of you to be thinking of this.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. When it comes to this second baby thing, I just want it to happen or not. I am at a point where I am tired of waiting for life to feel complete. I want to start living life as if THIS is how it will be and focus on the present. This longing is strong and it makes me want to throw in the 2nd child towel and just move on. I have a time line for myself and if my family isn't expanding by then, I will do what I need to do to become content with the way things are and be happy. I am exhausted of always wanting more.
ReplyDeleteI think we will both get there when we need to. When we are sure it's right.
Oh wow, do I get it. We have one child and are about to enter our eighth year of family building. We agreed last fall that we were done if the last FET failed (and it did) but now we are back on the fence and considering one last (again) IVF cycle. I honestly wonder sometimes how much of my drive to continue is because I don't know what to do with myself and my energy if I'm not focusing on this.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to transition from project to process (I liked that phrase from the other commenter) easily.
It took us over 14 years to finally have our babies. I spent a lot of time trying to settle into the idea that we would never have children at all. It's a thought that didn't settle well, and I'm so thankful that we did finally have our miracle babies.
ReplyDelete12 years is too long my friend. I hope your family is complete soon and your heart is content with your life. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAn interesting thought I think a lot of people relate to. Just saying hi from ICLW (#19). Hope you find a conclusion soon.
ReplyDeleteI've found that it takes time for it to feel settled. It took us a dozen years from first IF diagnosis to being home with our daughter from China and it was weird not monitoring and not reading the boards. I hope it works out.
ReplyDelete