Feeling better

I'm feeling calmer this weekend than I have in a lot of weekends. 

Things have been crazy over the past couple weeks.  We got yet another call two Fridays ago from the agency (call #4...  we'd been through the same rigamarole only two weeks earlier) asking if they could show our profile to an expectant couple who were 37 weeks along in their pregnancy.  We got the details, said yes, then waited for a week and a half to hear if we were chosen.

That week and a half was awful.  It's been the longest wait we've had between first hearing of a situation then finding out the results.  We had limited details of the situation, so were having a hard time even grappling with whether it was one we would say yes to in the end once all information had been gathered.  I had a lot going on in other parts of my life - community stuff, home stuff, work stuff.  Even though I was so busy (distractions are usually good), I could barely focus let alone get anything done. 

In the end, the expectant couple chose another family.  We were one of four families being shown, so we knew all along that there was only a 25% chance (or less, if you consider they have the option to choose a private direct adoption with someone outside the agency, which has happened to us before, and that they can always choose to parent themselves, which happens too).  This is the first time that we weren't the family chosen (that we know about anyway) - I knew this would probably happen at some point and didn't know how I'd feel about it.

I touched base with the agency on Tuesday morning and got the news that we weren't the selected family.  Honestly, the only thing I felt was relief.  I'm pretty surprised that this is how I felt.  I didn't even feel a little bit sad, which I still find interesting.  I found out at 10:00 a.m. and met with a client at 10:10 a.m. without missing a beat.

So now we're back in waiting limbo again, but this time I feel different.  Any other time we've been called and rattled to the bone, it's taken me at least 2 weeks to recover.  This time I feel settled.  Like it's really going to be ok.  Like even if I have to wait for a long while before another baby comes, I can handle this.  I've got one hell of a great kid already who amazes me every day and keeps my life rich and full.  Yes, another baby would be awesome.  Really, really awesome.  Yes, having this waiting/expecting part of my life over with would be a huge relief.  But for the first time in months, I'm feeling settled.  Content, as my friend Lori would say.  And for this, I am so thankful.  I need this feeling.  I've needed it for awhile.  It's been a bumpy road for the past few months and I'm looking forward to a bit of calm ...  before the next baby storm.