We made a decision on the adoption situation that we were presented with this weekend. We said no.
We came to terms with how we would handle heroin withdrawal and were committed to helping this little guy through it. We came to terms with his birth mom being Hep C positive and how this may impact our family. We came to terms with his birth father being a client of his birth mom's, who is a sex worker.
What we couldn't come to terms with was finding out through google that birth mom had been arrested three years ago for aggravated assault with a weapon (with the intent to stab someone) and forcible confinement (holding someone against their will/hostage or kidnapping, whatever you want to call it). Her family had also reported her missing this September, as per one of her town's local newspapers. This is where I drew the line.
Apollo drew the line when birth mom wouldn't admit to the social worker that she'd ever been arrested for anything other than driving without insurance. Social worker asked her directly if there is anything she wanted to disclose regarding any prior criminal activity or history. She said there was nothing.
So, we said no.
We are ok. We are so heartbroken and torn up. But we are so relieved.
We asked the agency not to call us with anything outside of our original parameters. We made the decision a long time ago what we were comfortable with, and heroin addiction wasn't on there. Moderate drug exposure (which we said we were comfortable with) does not mean baby born addicted to opiates. Baby born with severe brain damage (as was the case with the call we got 6 weeks ago) falls into the category of severely disabled, which we specifically said no to on our checklist.
I think they understand. It's too hard on our hearts, too hard on our family, too hard on our relationship to keep getting these calls. They make me a shitty mom and a shitty wife. They make me feel shitty for saying no.
But I am ok. I know that these women's problems are not MY problems. It's not my responsibility to pick up the pieces of their poor judgment and solve their problems. Parenting through adoption is hard enough as it is. Parenting on its own is hard enough as it is.
Our hearts are healing ... our social worker told us that this means we made the right decision for our family.
My heart is hurting just from these few details. I'm not normally for limiting access of information during adoptions, but this is a case where I hope this baby completely disappears from this birthmother's life. She clearly dangerous.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to experience this heartbreak.
Wow, such tough and heart-breaking decisions you're having to make. But I agree with your social worker, you need to be completely honest with yourself and make decisions that are right for your family. It wouldn't be fair on anybody if you tried to take on something beyond your scope. It's tough, though and probably about 100 times easier said than done. Let the guilt evaporate. Hugs.x
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. It is tough even when it is right.
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to say no, and we said no more than once to situations that didn't sit right. ((Hugs)) it's hard to make those decisions.
ReplyDeleteYou have to ultimately do what is best for you. Even if what's right can break your heart. I have been thinking on this for the last year in regards to trying for another baby. I think the heartache of trying and failing might be unhealthy for me now, at this point in my life. I think I feel what is best would be to just stop and be content with my "only"...but it hurts my heart. I know I will reach the right decision at some point in the next year. You too have to feel what situation will work not just for you and hubby, but for your child. You want her to be safe, adjusted and happy. If that means turning down adoptions that won't work for you, than you need to be okay with it. I can imagine how guilty and sad it would leave you though. Much love.
ReplyDeleteYou're so not a shitty person! in fact, most people wouldn't be able to overlook most of what you did to even consider this little boy. But I can only imagine how hard that is on your heart. I'm glad you followed your heart and went with the decision that is right for your family.
ReplyDelete