Back in the saddle

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So, we're doing it again.  The checklists are filled out, the medical is done, the security clearances are in the works...  Yep, we're on the road to adopting another child.

It took us a long time to come this decision.  Moonbeam is almost 16 months now and it's something we've been tossing around honestly since she was born.  There is so much to consider when adopting a second child ...  I feel like it just can't feel the same as I think it would if we were fertile and just decided that having a second baby would be nice - rolling around in the hay a bit and 2 weeks later being preggers.

Adopting a second child just feels weightier. 

We lucked out big time on the adoption front in so many ways with Moonbeam.  We essentially had no wait, we connected with Aurora right off the get go, there were no legal risks or even inklings that Aurora was ever going to change her mind, we were at Moonbeam's birth and we have continued to have a very open relationship with Aurora since we first met her.  For our family, although the relationship and situation have not been without their growing pains, our open adoption has worked out perfectly.

Now with a second child, it feels like there are so many factors to consider.  Now it's not just Apollo and I we're concerned about - it's the well-being of Moonbeam, baby-to-be, even Aurora and future birth families to consider. 

For baby #2, we had to think really, really hard as to what we were open to this time as we filled out our 50+ pages of checklists.  And what it came down to is that we're open to the exact same things that we were open to on the first go around.

Because here's the thing.  Papers are just that - papers.  The check boxes are what get your profile shown or held back when expectant families approach the agency looking to place their children for adoption.  On paper, when you're going through the boxes and you look at everything in aggregate, it seems terrifying.  But isolate any one of the factors and you've likely got a manageable situation. 

So once again, we're wide open to what life is ready to throw at us.  It's kind of scary.  It's kind of exciting.  I'm trying not to think about it too much, really. 

I'm scared about not loving this child as much as I love Moonbeam (because Moonbeam is my absolute everything - is it possible to love another human being THIS MUCH???). 

I'm scared about Moonbeam feeling rejected and not getting all the love and nurturing she deserves - but when it comes down to it, I'm more scared about the little demon we're creating as an only child (her new favourite words are "I don't want" ...  like what???  She's freaking 16 months.  Oh boy.).

I'm scared about how this will play out between Apollo and I - we're already at times scrabbling to keep our own relationship happy and healthy without adding the strain of a second child into the mix.

I'm scared about what sort of relationship will manifest itself with a new birthfamily and how this will impact both of our children.

But I'm excited too.  I'm excited to have another baby in our lives!  To see Moonbeam as a big sister, to grow our family, to experience parenthood all over again with Apollo, to get to know a new little person and share our lives with him/her.

We've still got some finishing touches to add to our dear birth parent letter and we've got one set of security clearances yet to come back.  Then that's it for our final submission for baby #2 - which will then get our home study rolling.  We've been taking our time with the paperwork over the past month, but now there's very little standing in the way between becoming expectant/waiting parents!

So lots going on here - we're excited, we're scared, we're blissfully pretending our lives aren't about to drastically change once again.  Heading into the adoption scene a second time is way less excruciating this time around.  The first time we wanted nothing more than a quick, easy placement.  This time we're much more relaxed about timing ...  in some ways, it would be nice to have some breathing room between babies.  But we'll see what's in the cards for us.  With adoption, you have to leave a lot up to fate and, shall I even dare say it?  Destiny.  The baby that is meant to be our child will come when it's time.