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Last weekend we had a visit with Aurora and it was textbook great. Moonbeam was thrilled by all the attention and there is no question that she adores her birth mom. Aurora was great - happy and engaged and interested in Moonbeam and in our family life. Apollo was great, taking pictures of all of us, making us snacks, sharing funny little stories about Moonbeam's shining personality.
There was only one problem. And that problem was me. Specifically, that problem was my own insecurity.
Apollo says I played it off totally legit, but inside I was kind of panicking. With every kiss, smile or hug that Moonbeam shared with Aurora, I felt left out. I felt myself shrinking in importance, I felt myself disengaging from what was happening. I felt isolated.
When Aurora left and Moonbeam waved bye bye while resting her head on my shoulder, I sighed so many sighs of relief. And then I slipped away from Moonbeam and Apollo so that I could quietly sob away my insecurities.
I'm embarrassed that this is how I felt/feel and that I'm struggling with this part of adoption.
I am afraid of losing my daughter, of not being good enough for her or for Aurora. I am afraid of being rejected by Moonbeam.
This all seems crazy to a part of me that is very rational. But it all makes perfect sense to a part of me that is frightened, afraid to let go, afraid to give in, afraid to trust.
I am unquestionably Moonbeam's mom. Honestly, I know this. Moonbeam knows this, Aurora knows this, the whole world knows this. The only one who seems to second guess this from time to time is me. I have never wanted to take away that title from Aurora, I've always wanted to share it, although I never really knew how. But here's the thing - it's not a question of Aurora retaining, gaining or losing her title as mom - this has nothing to do with me. But I NEED to own this title come hell or high water, because there's certainly no turning back now, I am a million percent this little girl's mom. I'm going to own it. I'm going to stand tall and rock this mom thing. I have no trouble rocking it when Aurora's not there, but as soon as she's around, I shrink into a version of myself that lacks confidence and seems weak. An insecure version of myself that frankly I don't like being a part of.
And I'm starting to realize that by being strong, this doesn't mean that I am a bully to Aurora. It means I'm in charge of myself and my family. It means I'm giving Moonbeam 100% of me 100% of the time, even when Aurora is around. Having Aurora around does not make me any less of a mom.
So I'm working on this, especially this Mother's Day weekend. I'm working on it by reaching out to Aurora and learning to trust her. Learn to trust that as much as I have her back, she has mine too. It's hard. It's hard because I'm afraid that Moonbeam will get hurt some day and I'm afraid I will too.
I will never forget the moment that Aurora and I held Moonbeam between us and held each other while we cried, the moment right before Aurora left the hospital and officially made me a mom. I am a mother because this strong, beautiful woman made it so. I have to trust that she is not trying to take away the very thing that she made entirely possible. So tomorrow, Mother's Day, she will come to our house and we will hug our daughter together and celebrate our very unique relationship and our very unique motherhood.
We have gained so much because of each other's commitment to our little girl and to each other.
Oh, I love this so much: "This all seems crazy to a part of me that is very rational. But it all makes perfect sense to a part of me that is frightened, afraid to let go, afraid to give in, afraid to trust." Yes, you are talking about this specific situation, but that resonates so strongly with me and applicable to so many moments in life.
ReplyDeleteHope that you had a great Mother's Day and that everything went well? I do understand your feelings of insecurity and think that it is quite normal giving your situation. But it seems like you have a good grip on it and that the feeling will fade eventually leaving you only strong, secure and confident.
ReplyDeleteI love this image of you two moving into partnership, of having each others' backs for Moonbeam's sake, as well as your own.
ReplyDelete"Learn to trust that as much as I have her back, she has mine too." <3
I have certainly felt that way many of times and my son's biomum does not live in my country! I think for the first year, I felt like such a fraud, like a criminal even cause I took someone's child. I remember that moment when she handed him to me sobbing and as I embraced her, my heart broke in two. It took time, and the daily effort of raising a child, loving him and nurturing him to heal my heart. I had to give myself permission to rejoice and be proud and to enjoy. And to trust that my child would love me back.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine all the feelings and insecurities are very normal in an open adoption. As wonderful as the arrangement is for your daughter, it's bound to make you feel some negative emotions too. I admit to even being a little jealous when my son shows more affection to my hubby over me. This relationship will take time. I think you have every right to cry over it sometimes and you are doing such a great job of managing your partnerships. Stay strong mama.
ReplyDeleteJust being aware of where the feelings of insecurity are coming from, and that they're present in the first place, is such a help. My situation is a little different, but also similar. I have a stepson. His mother and I have worked very, very hard at our relationship with each other, and I can say without reservation that she's now one of my best friends. It took both of us making that decision for it to work, and both of us had (and have!) insecurities to work through. The biggest part of getting through it is the decision that you're going to make it work. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteoh honey. this post really choked me up. i'm so sorry you're struggling with this. i completely get it…if i was in your shoes i would struggle with the same thing. our personalities must be similar. you're so strong though. to even be in that position and you are such an amazing mom. its okay to be insecure. you are human, my friend. give yourself a break. hugs to you sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteBrains are so frustrating. Really it sounds like you're handling it well though!
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