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| Image borrowed from http://lynneamiller.com/ |
Since adopting our daughter, we have had to decide how open to be with the general population about our adoption story ... that is, how much to disclose when faced with questions by friendly/curious people that we meet through the interactions of daily life (i.e. I'm referring to strangers). What Apollo and I decided early on, and have continued to stick to, is that the details of Moonbeam's adoption are personal to Moonbeam and our family and that information is to be shared only with people close to us or on a need to know basis (e.g. her pediatrician, health care providers, child care providers, etc.).
This has often proven to be easier said than done.
Very regularly, we are faced with questions such as "Where does she get those eyes?" or "Does she look more like Mom or Dad?" and we've become pros at being vague and dismissive ... we slough the questions off and innocently admit that we don't know where she gets her eyes (true) or that we don't know if she looks more like Mom or Dad (true). As Moonbeam gets older, she may choose to share with strangers that she gets her eyes from her birth mom or that she doesn't know if she looks like her birth father ... but until then, I don't feel comfortable making it known to strangers without Moonbeam's consent that we adopted her.
As I type those words I wonder if this is the right approach ... If I'm in some way imposing "adoption shame" on Moonbeam and coercing her to be silent about her history.
On the other hand, we are open with our family, friends and others who we are in regular contact (e.g. coworkers). We often share with Moonbeam and others in our life that she looks like Aurora. When we visit Aurora, I openly talk about their common features - they are both beauties and share so much in the looks department. I'm not shy to talk about this to our extended family if it comes up - especially when they tell me she looks like me or Apollo (which is weird in itself to deal with ... everyone knows that we adopted Moonbeam and I can only assume they understand that this means we don't share genes ...).
Apollo and I were confronted with this discussion the other day when someone asked us where Moonbeam gets her beautiful eyes from. I'm faced with this question a lot and I brushed it off with "I don't really know ..." and Apollo answered "From her mom." Both were kind of true ... we don't really know and it's possible that she inherited this feature from Aurora. The lady leaned in to examine my eyes and said "Yes, she does have your eyes." Apollo and I smiled, thanked her and moved the conversation along in a different direction. Afterwards I told Apollo that I felt a bit like a fraud, but we agreed that the person was not "in the circle" and didn't need to know the intimate details of our family make up.
I understand that in so many ways we are lucky because Moonbeam could pass as our biological child, which eliminates a lot of questions and judgment by the general population. We were open to adopting a child of a different ethnicity and now I am starting to understand how much different this whole experience would be if we couldn't just hide behind the shield of looking the same.
This leads me to question if we are pretending that the situation is something other than what it really is ... And whether we should be more open with strangers about how we came to be a family. We are not ashamed of our adoption story or our journey to parent and never want Moonbeam to feel ashamed about how she came to be our child.
Where do/would you draw the line when it comes to disclosure?
I think you should do whatever makes you most comfortable. If it were me, I would just be honest I think. Its easier. And, like infertility conversations, it opens the minds to important subjects. But, its a personal decision.
ReplyDeleteI go back and forth on what do about strangers in passing. I think it comes down to how much time you have on your hands! Once you say something that indicates her adoption status, it's like people think they need to know the details.
ReplyDeleteThese are good questions, and it's good that you're pondering them mindfully. It is a trick to find the sweet spot between privacy and secrecy (the difference being shame) on on an ongoing basis.
ReplyDeleteWe, too, are not obviously an adoptive family. I kind of got a kick out of telling people, when they asked where Daughter or Son got this trait or that trait, "Oh, somewhere back in the gene pool." Now that my kids are older, they are in on it. They'll chime in if they want to share further.
Thank you for your sweet comment(s) today :-)
Found my way here via CDLC13 in a round about way. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to do with adoption, but a thought came to my mind reading this post. When people do ask where MoonBeam gets her beautiful eyes/smile, etc, and someone wants to give your or your husband the "credit", why not just go along with it. Tell them you think MoonBeam does have beautiful eyes and thank them. A compliment is a compliment, no matter who the trait comes from or how it gets there. Also, I believe how a child is raised has at least something to do with how they look. And not comparing kids to dogs seriously, but dogs and their owners do look alike at times, so why can't kids and their parents?
I think it's really what feels right for you. I'd probably disclose to anyone that she's adopted but again that's just me…and it's off the cuff without really fully understanding what those conversations with strangers would look and feel like. You're so brave and I know you will do what feels right in your heart for your precious girl.
ReplyDeleteYou can see how far behind I am on reading blogs, but hey, book is in so I'm tackling my feed reader :-)
ReplyDeleteI think you need to follow your gut because every individual's comfort zone is going to be different, and it may also change with age. She may feel comfortable saying one thing when she's five and feel comfortable saying something else when she's ten. And the same will be true for you. You may feel uncomfortable sharing now, but may feel differently when you can follow your child's lead. Or discuss it together.